But the difference is, I gritted my teeth and dealt with it because this is the person my friend/family member chose, they were happy, and I didnt want to poison their relationship. It hurts your relationship and your partner. It leaves me feeling uncertain and uneasy Scan this QR code to download the app now. I had the choice between 2 girls, and regret the choice (made for the wrong reasons) after 1.5 years, I love my boyfriend but my parents wants me to marry another guy of their choice. Everyone always wrongs him in some way. Time and time again, Ive heard of people who have married against their families wishes (I recall seeing a special about Howard Schultz, of Starbucks fame, and he said something to the effect that his father-in-law wasnt happy with him at the outset of their marriage because he felt that Howard wouldnt be able to support his daughter properly! Hes included at every bbq we throw, he rides down with us to family visits. And when they bring home a person you cant stand, its hard to swallow. They were with each other for 5 years. Romantic compromises involve both types of second-best: The agent who considers her partner to be a second-best choice and the one who is considered to be so. I really wish you the best of luck with this and hope its something relatively minor I think the Captain has given you some great advice for how to tackle it. Learning To Navigate In-law Relationships As Newlyweds, Skills And Spills Along The Path Of Relational Conflict, Conscious Uncoupling - Vital For Mental Well-being, Dealing Constructively With Marital Conflict, 10 Things You Should Never Give Up For A Relationship, Redemption For A Man Who Hurt His Partner With Words - Part III, How To Untangle The Money Issues In Your Relationship, Cultivating Healthy Relationships Take Practice; Lots Of It. ), and the families turned around. Personally, I would find out exactly why your family doesnt approve of your boyfriend, every single reason. He takes our two children over there once a week or so to visit, and I dont go. Do you think they would be embarrassed for him to meet their friends and colleagues, not being as good-looking as they would like? My recent ex and I had this problem with my mom. I cant understand it.. It sounds like your familys behavior towards him is unpleasant enough that he might prefer to avoid them. Maybe forever. Robert Townsend on season two, episode two of "The Bear." Everyone is pretty much polite to him. Youll need to get them past that if they are ever to arrive at acceptance. I can totally see, though, how that might not be the case for people whore used to attending family things as a unit, in which case take all this with a grain of salt. Shes also being pretty specific about her mothers complaints, and I dont see any reference to, We just care about you so much and want the best for you, or, You know we want to support you but. Her mom sounds like a piece of workat best, like someone incapable of handling her disapproval maturely, and at worst like a controlling and unpleasant person. I Had An Abortion. Robert Townsend on season two, episode two of "The Bear." The only reason we arent married is that I dont believe in marriage. I wanted to sit you down and ask you, straight up, to tell me the reasons you dont like him and give you a chance to fully state your case. Even when we were taking the same bus, she chose to sit apart and my boyfriend expressed disappointment that she didn't sit with us. But just because I do does not make me a burden on him; and my boyfriend would prefer me to share the specifics. I think thats the first step toward finding some definitive answers here. Setting boundaries with family around holidays, visits, etc. Babies: A Recipe For Marital Bliss Or Dissatisfaction? I know a guy in the same position as the LW. Not telling him something because I didnt want to be a burden would not be acceptable in our relationship. My folks were in a situation maybe like the one in which you and your boyfriend find yourselves, although they knew that it was because of my grandparents racism (and classism and some religious bias). Letter Writer here thanks for the great advice, and to everyone else for all the great comments. After she made it clear that he was her choice, we supported her down the line, and never said a thing against him. Because thats saying, in a way, that part of *me* isnt welcome the part that loves my partner. So, for the LWs consideration: some people (well, me) regard I am taking notes as a somewhat dangerous statement. Good luck LW, but definitely find out what it is that they dislike. Placelot, I was just starting to notice the similarities with my own narcissistic mother when I came to your comment. There shouldnt be big holidays for a while, maybe you can make non-family-visit plans until X amount of time from now, during which you practice some separation from your family, giving less details about your life and thus less opportunities for them to criticize and disapprove of things. My Girlfriend Wants To Stop Being Critical But Doesn't Know How, Finally Have A Stable Marriage, But Having Sex Problems. Crazy Mother In Law Ruining Our Mental Health And Relationship. This is especially so if a current relationship is having problems and conflicts. smugly self-centered. The point is, though, she was right. Every time partner hears this stuff, it may reduce his ability to ever have a relationship with the family. Can you tell me, as completely and honestly as you can, what your worries and objections are?. Thats what we all want. Do they mention anyone theyd like you to marry rather than your boyfriend? My relationship with my mom hasnt really changed that I can see, but I worry she thinks that she won because she waited my partner out and now Im back in the fold. Two Intelligent Adults Who Feel They Don't Have Friends, My OCPD Husband Can't Tolerate My 'flaws'. How did your parents feel about anyone she dated? It is possible that her family is abusive, or that they are not. (So-and-so said ALL OF THESE TERRIBLE THINGS about you LISTS SPECIFIC TERRIBLE THINGS. Um, thanks?? They can choose to make an effort. The Marvel star plays a chef in Denmark who trains Marcus (Lionel Boyce) while he's there to expand his pastry skills for the new restaurant's dessert menu. But do you know that those are the reasons? If you force them to choose, there is always a chance theyll choose their partner over you no matter how tight your bond is with them. This is difficult and stressful, and Im not going to pretend that it isnt. My mom (and dad too when he was alive) is by default going to hate anyone I am with because Hes Taking My Baby Awaaaaaay! If you feel this way about your children, you may need to take a step back. Can I get your agreement to try?. Hell want to maintain the connection. So maybe theres something they know that LW doesnt, or maybe theres something they THINK they know (like, as mentioned upthread, the fact that he wont put a ring on it and shes their little GIRL). (And my parents have had that much less drama over their almost 40 years together.). The only thing I really want to add is that you can get through this. This can get in the way of true emotional intimacy and feel Do you come from a well-off, comfortable family? I suggest you seek out some resources for daughters of narcissistic mothers; it is probably not only in this area that your mom is not on your team. Copyright 1995-2015 CenterSite, LLC, All rights reserved. Ive always been the good child so while I stood up for my partner (whom I expected to marry) whenever I could, mediating between my mom and my partner was hugely stressful for me. Ive tried establishing boundaries before, but always gave up when something important was coming around (Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday) that I didnt want to miss. The reason I ask, is if my parents told me that they didnt like a boyfriend for such superficial reasons, the next words they might hear are Fuck and Off possibly followed by Forever. But if they sat me down and said We dont like how he treats you or You seem less happy when youre with him or You were out of the room, but he said some really toxic stuff at Thanksgiving last year that made us really uncomfortable or When he gets angry, he breaks things, and that makes us worried for you or He was feeling up the bridesmaids at your cousins wedding or Why is he always drunk?Id at least hear them out and then Id check that perception with my friends and other people I trust. They need to know that you are every bit as committed as if you were married. I think I would have found it easier if I had been processing it in step with my husband, rather than long after the fact. Repairing Damage To Relationships While Having Conflict, Discover Ways To Stay Calm And Remain In Difficult Discussions. My husbands fam was only mildly distrustful of me at first and had he not gone into full-on Liz Lemon shut it down mode, it would not have lasted. Understanding your holdups may help you determine what the best next steps are or if you should just let it be. Such behavior feels like a threat. That will go easier for him if the first thought in his mind whenever he sees a member of LWs family isnt this is the person who just last week said that I am a [insult/slur] but is perhaps this is the person who probably still isnt my biggest fan but Im glad she can be nice for an entire meal now, progress! or hey, I didnt know we had [thing] in common, at last, a safe topic! or actually, in a good mood shes fun!. I also want to put it out there that if your parents are insisting on separate holidays, birthdays, etc. And it seems like any response to that statement is a losing proposition; cant really logic ones way out of it, and letting it go means letting it stand, but arguing against it means it just hit a nerve. Also, you dont need three people with NPD; a person with NPD tends to be the wind that steers the family ship. But even without my pro-letter-writer bias, she writes a lot about her mom, and the things her mom says and does, and that she IS her sisters bestie, she IS the apple of her dads eye, but she USED TO tell her mom everything. Consider them reciprocated. The opposite of a priority. Why Does My Wife's Old Boyfriend Bother Me? Part of this is because when it comes to dating, theyve decided that I am A Totally Inept Woman When It Comes To Love And Always Make Bad Choices (because I have ended relationships that were unhappy, which means I cannot pick the right man? My dad couldnt stand the guy my sister was living with for 10 years and refused to acknowledge him except grudgingly, and they ended up moving far away. You are in a tough position that you didn't ask to be in. Hey, LW! The strange thing for me now is that I dont think its personal anymore, the way it was when we first started dating and I was that slut he was seeing (they were uncomfortable with their son being in a poly relationship). But when I brought home this important person, from around the world, her response was, This isnt forever, is it? When you two first started dating, his attention was spotty. There was an interval (which I found retrospectively humiliating) between the airing of grievances and me knowing there were details to be had, but once I knew there was something to ferret out, I did not rest until I found it, talked it over with my therapist, and generally digested the matter. There are a lot of possible scenarios, and the LW didnt include many details. Would an iron-clad prenup change the situation? This need can extend to their relationships. Confronting them will not likely end well. If he is, then I definitely recommend the Captains advice; if hes not, though, you might only have to set up the boundary where they dont get to talk shit about the person you love. Knowingly being the second choice friend is a prison sentence for your thoughts because you're left wondering what you did. You are good enough you just need to find someone that'll see that. Though everyone is different, there are a few reasons why you may still love an abusive partner. I run into her sometimes at the store, and we are polite and friendly, but I am not coming over to their house while Friend is in town anymore. I have a similar situation with my family although Im a bit older than the letter writer and my family isnt insanely close. 1. I have actually found that not telling them anything besides the new recipe I tried or the latest book I read or what Ill plant in my garden this year or a funny anecdote about a friends dog being chased by the neighborhood feral cat is the way to go. The LW would omit the gross cooties thing. Here is an example of one email: Im in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than 3 years. You are repeating yourself. This story has made me feel insecure since I started dating my boyfriend five months ago, but I don't dare talk to him about it because I fear he'll think Agreed. I had a choice between two girls, chose one (for the wrong reasons), and a year later, regret the Boyfriend stayed out late with friends, is it okay to feel upset? "The Bear" season two is now streaming on Hulu. Is Your Partner Still Relating To His/Her Ex? (n.d.). But also sometimes lack of boundaries and lack of saying OK, Ive heard you out, I disagree, and we had best not speak of this any more., However, in this case where it seems likely that theres going to be long-term or maybe life-long difficulties with the partner-family interaction, I think Id back well off on specifics too. In my opinion, though, its necessary to do in order to be a separate person rather than continuing to be an appendage of your mother. When a relationship is toxic and/or abusive, sometimes the people close to you draw boundaries by saying YOU are always invited but S/HE is not because we cant stand how s/he treats you. Your child may also feel youre overstepping the boundaries of a parent-adult child relationship. Reddit, Inc. 2023. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. They dont ever ask about him, they shut down if I mention him. So every few months we put in our family duties and visit them. My mother-in-law has a big issue with my weight. Alex Moffat also makes his debut in "The Bear" on episode four. This is incredibly tough stuff but it is so important to deal with it before it destroys something important to you. He Cheated, She Forgave Him; How Did They Overcome Infidelity? Because you arent marrying, they could be holding out hope that this is a just for now relationship. Contrast this to her father, who was awful about the whole thing, and basically cut his daughter out of his life for getting married. Heres my take: When Friend (see above his mom hated me) told me why his mom hated me, it seemed like it was an easily-resolved matter (she thought I said something I have no recollection of saying and wouldnt say ever anyway). But man is that unfair and cruel to sister. They got involved right after meeting each other. Ultimatums are a bad idea because they disguise pressure and entrapment as assertiveness. Would you marry him if gay marriage were available in your state? Im with the letter writer because she hasnt mentioned any allegations of abuse or infidelity. The horrible part now is that after we broke up for completely different reasons (not going to say this dynamic wasnt a factor but it was low on the list), I went back to live with my parents. Sometimes it can be very subtle. And yeah, I smell a narcissistic rat, too. Here is an example of one email: Im in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than 3 years. Are those reasons you supplied when you tried to figure out why they dont like them (which means thats how you see him through their eyes) or reasons they told you? I think they dont like him because he is taking you away from them somehow. I'm not ready for a relationship right nowLet's be friends. Your family dynamic sounds similar to mine (dominant personality of the mother), and after a really bad conversation in college where I told my mom details and she disapproved of everything and I cried for two hours, I actually ended up not having a phone for about a year in order to only talk to my parents (mom) when I felt like it. Anyway. My boyfriend and I share the specifics. I feel shitty about that.. Robert Townsend plays Sydney's (Ayo Edebiri) father Emmanuel Adamu on episodes two, eight, nine, and 10 of "The Bear." I hope your story ends differently than mine did. If keeping these things is so innocent then why keep them secret? All rights reserved. Stop telling your friends how you feel. and our Ive been with my boyfriend for four years. Why My Emotional Relationships With Men Don't Last? The training worked. And I take some exception to the extremely degrading remark. This is a community where people can give you advice, and take some of that weight off your shoulders. All relationships are different; maybe you feel that it would be a burden for your boyfriend so you dont share that information, or maybe you feel it would be better to share. ), I love you all and know that you want what is best for me. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Im trying to help encourage her to branch out more and be more independent, but Im not around much and our mother is, so its like bailing water out of a leaking boat. Oscar winner Jamie Lee Curtis plays the Berzatto matriarch Donna in the flashback episode. But the key is to do it only once. I hate my boyfriends son, should i leave now? They will likely enjoy the attention, and they may make being around your own childs mate more tolerable. Youre not going to like everyone. My sister has a fiance that everyone hates, so I cant say I exactly relate to your predicament. Im going to nth the Captains recommendations that you NOT pass on the horrible shit your folks say about your partner, because having been in those shoes it really really sucks to hear all that crap. It could be that the LW comes from a higher-class family, where there are concerns about marriage and social standing, It could be that the LW comes from a family with a strong religious tradition, and an outsider might not be welcomed by the family or the community. And by that I mean, you know, if its really important to you that you two attend family functions together, thats something youll have to take into account in the event that you want him to go and he doesnt want to go.
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